Yesterday, I had a very long and interesting conversation with a really good friend. I guess I should first give some background on her and myself in order to make the blog more easily understood. After more than a few failed relationships, my friend "E" has finally realized that she shouldn't have to settle for a guy, but rather, set higher standards for herself when it comes to relationships. We both started out with very different opinions on what the "perfect" grown up life should be. She was convinced that having a man (or being married) in her life was the answer, and I, on the other hand, wanted to live a single girl's life until my late 20s, possibly early 30s. Well, Internets, the tables have turned (somewhat).
I'm still a very firm believer that no one needs a significant other to be happy. Whether you're gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight, I have always believed and made it very clear that, if YOU can't be happy with yourself, bringing someone else into your life will not fix things. In fact, it will probably further complicate the situation. However, I have learned that passing up on the person you love just because it wasn't in your neatly written list of things to do before "blank age" is also not the best policy. My friend "E" is learning the "a significant other doesn't bring happiness" lesson the hard way. Not because she is stubborn or stupid but rather, a young hopeless romantic who fell through the cracks of romantic comedy idealism. From the time we met, sometime in high school, she had a boyfriend or was on the hunt for one. I, on the other hand, had one half-ass relationship, that proved the old "mama knows best" saying (except this time it was Dad who knew best). And after my half-assed failed relationship, I became a bit bitter and closed off and decided that I would never again give up who I am to be with a guy.
It is nothing short of a miracle that today, at 24, I find myself married to an AMAZING man, who loves me, respects me, supports me, and has even said that if I wanted to, he would one day, become a stay-at-home dad, if I chose to further my career. My friend 'E" currently finds herself finishing school, and finding her self-worth, by realizing that compromise in a relationship does not mean losing your identity and becoming "so-and-so's girlfriend".
This however, is not where the conversation got interesting. As we were talking about our everydayness, "E" said "I honestly thought you would be the last person to ever get married, much less married this young. I mean, I don't think I could ever do it. I don't think I even know how to do 'Married'. How do you do it?!?"
Then, it hit me. I don't know how to do married the right way either. I guess there is a wrong way to do married, (example: an abusive relationship) but I'm not sure there is a right way to do things either. I mean, I recently read an article that talked about how some couples sleep in separate beds! sometimes ever rooms! But my husband and I can't even go to bed without the other person. "How do I do it", I said. "Well I guess you start by being honest and respecting each other and compromising. Some days my husband wants to go see a movie I don't really care for, but I go with him because it's something we can do together. And he hates to go grocery shopping, but he goes with me because, again, we get to spend time together, and who knows, maybe one of our infamous plastic swords fight will happen". But other than that I had nothing else. I guess I also told her that you have to learn to "pick and choose your battles". That some things are not worth an argument and that money can make you or break you. If you have good money habits you better hope your partner does too. And if you're both bad with money, then you're definitely screwed, big time!
But I guess you learned married as you go. My husband's and mine best role model marriage is my parent's marriage. Those two are crazy! They are literally together probably within 10 ft of each other an average of 23 hrs a day! Here's a quick break down of their day:
They sleep in the same bed. Eat breakfast together. Go to work in the same car, Work together (side by side mind you). Go home together. Have lunch and dinner together. When one is at the computer, the other one is watching TV in the same room, and last but definitely not least, their horrid smoking habit brings them closer because when one takes a "smoking break" so does the other one. Not to mention that they shower together on a regular basis. Oh yeah, and did I forget to mention that they talk the whole time they're together?!? Which is a really difficult thing to do when they were both there all day and went through the same things. I mean, what do you talk about?!? This is not to say that they don't argue, because they do. But what's really great about them is that just as quickly as they started arguing, the fight ends, and no grudge is held! AMAZING! They have choreographed "married" in the most fascinating way.
So in the mean time, I have decided not to worry about doing "married" right. I figured that I will eventually do it right more often than not. And that instead of worrying about what right means, I will just enjoy my husband and the life we're building together while still maintaining our own identities. (By the way, I'm choosing to not disclosed my husband's name because I value his privacy, but if he allows me to share it, I will)
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| Our Wedding Day 3/21/2009 |
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