Cuddling

Before my husband, I was never in a serious enough of a relationship that I had my boyfriend spend the night, so like every other girl, I believed in the beautifully romanticized view of cuddling.  If I ever did one of the very obnoxious Myspace surveys and the "do you like to cuddle?" question popped up, I always answered yes.  So when I started dating my husband and things got serious enough for sleepovers, I thought I'd hit the jackpot when he said he was a cuddler.  Little did I know, that he'd had some practice.  Well, the truth is, as I've come to find out after about a year and a half of marriage plus the year we dated, that I really only like to cuddle with my pillow, sometimes 2 or three pillows if I'm napping or sleeping alone.  And to make matters worse, I'm starting to believe, anatomically speaking, that homo sapiens sapiens are not made to cuddle.  Perhaps the whole separate beds your grandparents or great grandparents had going on wasn't too far-fetched!

Issue #1 with cuddling: HAIR.  And while guys for the most part have short hair, I'm going to make a blanket and heteronormative statement that women have longer hair.  I always find that my husband's head/face always end up in my hair!  No matter what, it's like he's tiny silly moth looking for food and my hair is the big scary spider web that attracts it and doesn't let it go.  To top it off, my hair is ruthless.  Even with me, it never does what I ask it to do, and it tends to misbehave most when I'm sleeping.  So the whole romantic husband spoons the wife is no good here.  

Issue #2: ARMS.  Most of us have two of them and I find that no matter how many positions I try, one arm always loses all it's sensitivity after 20 minutes or so of cuddling.  My husband sleeps on his back ( a little like a corpse) so he wants me to lay on my belly (which is fine since I sleep with my ass facing the ceiling anyway) and put my left arm over his shoulder. And while it appears and feels comfortable at first, after the 20 minute mark, my short stubby arm really starts to hurt.  So I try to lower it, but it just so happens that his diaphragm is there and it can't function properly.   Another position we try is for me to spoon him.  And again this is only good for a while, but since my short arm has to reach over his side, my hand either aches from low blood flow or it starts to fall asleep.  Sometimes my arm aches like if you fall asleep on your belly with your legs hanging of the bed.  And of course my right arm is somewhat under me and unhappy as well.

Issue #3: Legs.  Yes, believe it or not, legs can be annoying when trying to cuddle.  I have, in more than one occasion accidentally kneed my husband "below the belt".  Talk about a "rude awakening"  I always find it hard to position my legs properly on top of his to make the cuddling work.  Plus our height difference doesn't help either,  I'm about 5'1" with shoes, and he's I'm guessing 5'10" or so.  Either way, he's a whole head taller than I am, once again making the hair and legs an issue because HIS mouth falls right into my head and his crotch onto my knee.

Issue #4:  Developing morning breath.  That's right, I said it!  Morning breath.  This whole movie morning kiss, drives me up the walls!!! You're going to tell me that neither person has morning breath?!? My husband also likes to sleep face to face.  Well I just CAN'T!  The thought of breathing in what he is breathing out is just gross.  I mean, I really really do love him and I definitely enjoy kissing him, but breathing in his carbon dioxide, well that's just crazy talk, right along with sharing a toothbrush or using the bathroom in front of the other person. 

The one cuddling strategy that worked for us until my husband found out was the fake cuddle.  What do I mean, you wonder.  My husband always falls asleep before I do when we get into bed, so, I cuddle with him long enough for him to be very very asleep.  And how do I know when I can cuddle with my mistress fluffy pillow you ask?  Well he makes this very adorable and in my opinion calming sound.  He blows a tiny puff of air out of his mouth that literally sounds like a whispering "ppuufff".  At that point I kiss him on the cheek and give him the butt.  Well not quite since I sleep on my belly, but you get the idea.  I face to my right and put my hands under my pillow and as my mind goes crazy with the many thoughts that tangle themselves, I fall asleep. 

However, after my husband found out about my cuddle cheat, I try everyday or shall I say night, to cuddle with him more and more.  Why you ask?!  Because for better or for worse, we're married, love each other and I figured it's the least I could do to show him that I love him.  And so, I will continues to google, youtube, and bing, cuddling videos and strategies until I find something that works for at lest 30 minutes. :-)